Alarming New Signal Chat Revealed, I Was In It!

This shit is just crazy!

I need to hurry up and get this out, before the CIA/NSA/FBI is knocking on my door!

BLUF: I too was accidentally included in a high ranking Signal chat with multiple government officials!

Transcript-

VP JD Vance- Hey everyone, I’ve created this group so we can discuss bombing some country over in the Middle East or whatever.

Pete Hegseth- Sweet! My war boner is throbbing!

Tulsi Gabbard- Damn Pete, keep it in your pants for Chissakes, we haven’t even done shit yet!

Pete Hegseth- “I’m about to put some tiger balm on these jungle’s nuts!”

VP JD Vance- Oh shit, I love that movie!

Mike Waltz- What the fuck is this signal shit? I can barely text!

Pete Hegseth- Get with the times Grandpa! We can’t bomb the world using telegrams and faxes!

Mike Waltz- Slow your roll junior, I’m young enough to be your mom’s lover!

Tulsi Gabbard- Ewww…

VP JD Vance- D’oh! Sick burn Mikey! hey Pete, Mike said he’s doing your mom!

Pete Hegseth- Alright, enough fucking around, we got people to bomb!

VP JD Vance- Yeah, good point. Okay, the word from The Don is we’re gonna bomb the Houthis (and the Blowfish) in Yemen! Some shit about shipping, oil, and whatever the fuck else goes on in that shithole part of the world…

Pete Hegseth- Hey JD, why do you have “VP” in here? You afraid we’re gonna forget? ;~)

VP JD Vance- I was worried that you’d be drunk, again, and find the “JD” part confusing!

Pete Hegseth- Ouch! I forgot to never trade barbs with you, damn, that’s harsh!

Tulsi Gabbard- When you boys are done measuring your cocks, can we get some work done?

VP JD Vance- Sorry mom, let’s get serious.

Mike Waltz- Ha ha, JD got bitch slapped by Miss. Hawaii!

Tulsi Gabbard- You’re next haole!

Mike Waltz- Ok, so we’re gonna bomb Yemen? WTF for? They do something?

VP JD Vance- A bunch of Europe’s shit goes thru there, and they’ve been fucking with the shipping because of the jews blowing the shit outta Gaza, so we gotta send them a message. Otherwise Europe might run out of extra small condoms.

Pete Hegseth- Dude, Those Honey Badgers don’t give a fuck! We’ve done this same shit a bunch of times, it doesn’t even slow them down!

Tulsi Gabbard- Seriously! I’m just glad the bible doesn’t say that the jews deserve Honolulu! Fucking cowards are just blowing the shit outta Gaza, and because of that we’re bombing Yemen? This shit gets so old.

VP JD Vance- Yeah, I feel Ya’, but it’s complicated… you know, because a certain chosen person gave the campaign a hundred million…

Pete Hegseth- What was your cut?

VP JD Vance- Ha ha, I might have gotten a free bagel out of it! (better check my receipt, she probably charged me for it)

Mike Waltz- When are we trying to do this shit? I got a T time with The Don!

Pete Hegseth- The guys down in the war room are working out the details right now, should know soon.

Tulsi Gabbard- “The guys”? No wonder we can’t go a fucking week without bombing something!

Pete Hegseth- Hey, this shit wasn’t my idea! I just do what I’m told.

Tulsi Gabbard- It’s such a shit show, The Palis attack the jews, the jews carpet bomb Gaza, the honey badgers attack some ships, and we attack them because of Europe!? This shit is absurd!

Mike Waltz- Yeah, well, just be glad you don’t gotta deal with that cokehead Zalensky! He’s all over the map! Makes the jews seem rational!

Pete Hegseth- Zalensky is obviously a homo!

VP JD Vance- Yeah, no shit!

Tulsi Gabbard- Pete you think everyone is a homo!

Pete Hegseth- Haha, true, but seriously, that Z cokeboy is definitely gay AF.

VP JD Vance- Speaking of the Cocaine Cowboy, did I tell you guys what The Don said to me right after that blow-up meeting with him?

Pete Hegseth- Nah

VP JD Vance- Right as it’s ending, he leans over and whispers in my ear “That’s what I call grabbing them by the pussy!” I fucking lost it!

Pete Hegseth- Haha, oh shit, that guy’s a fucking riot!

Tulsi Gabbard- No shit!? With Zalensky still there?

VP JD Vance- Yeah, right in front of him! He didn’t even crack a smile, he just said it all deadpan… fucking classic Trump!

Mike Waltz- That little homo was almost in tears when he was walking out. You’d think The Don had pissed on his stash or something.

Susie W.- Hey everyone, I’m going to bring the Prez to say a few words.

VP JD Vance- Okay, cool, who all do we have in here?

Stephen Miller- I’m here.

Steve W.- Me too

Ratcliffe, John L.- I’m on, if you clowns are done fucking off.

Pete Hegseth- Why are you CIA guys all such dicks?

Ratcliffe, John L.- I dunno, it comes with the job. You know, spying and shit, can’t be some class clown, chasing skirts all day.

Pete Hegseth- Ouch, you fucker!

Susie W.- Okay, stand by for the President:

President Donald J. Trump 45-47 has entered the chat.

President Donald J. Trump 45-47- What up bitches!? You guys gonna help me blow up some Hooties or what?

Pete Hegseth- Yes Sir, we should have an action plan within the hour.

President Donald J. Trump 45-47- Great, you’re the best Pete! Any questions for me?

VP JD Vance- Mr. President, you know I’ll support whatever you decide, but do we really think this juice is worth the squeeze? Historically, these attacks on the Houthis don’t accomplish much.

President Donald J. Trump 45-47- I know JD, and I appreciate your honesty, but I got that bitch Adelson in my fucking ear every other day, so I need to do something to shut her up for a couple of weeks.

VP JD Vance- Understood Sir.

Tulsi Gabbard- We’re with you 100% Sir.

Mike Waltz- That fucking old yenta called me five times yesterday! I told her if she didn’t cut it out, I was gonna have Tulsi find a Houthi in downtown Tel Aviv, so we could blow up four square city blocks, just to kill him; IDF style!

President Donald J. Trump 45-47- Oh shit, what did she say to that?

Mike Waltz- Not much, but I haven’t heard from her since.

President Donald J. Trump 45-47- Good man! I thought I was gonna have to pay Whitkoff to throw her a mercy fuck or something! Now I know why all the jews are always bitching about their mom’s riding their ass their whole lives. But, she gave the hundred million, so I’ll play nice for a little while.

Alright folks, happy hunting, let me know if you need anything from me- I’m gonna use the autopen to have Biden sign the attack order, just to make a point! Later!

President Donald J. Trump 45-47 has left the chat.

Susie W.- Okay, he’s off. Thanks!

Susie W. has left the chat.

VP JD Vance- Alright Pete, let me know when you have something actionable, I need to go talk to those faggots in Congress.

Pete Hegseth- Will do. Are they better or worse than the Eurofags?

VP JD Vance- marginally better, at least most of them speak fucking English! And as far as I know, none of them are married to old man like that Macron faggot.

Tulsi Gabbard- jeez, I saw that shit on Candace, WTF is that shit about!?

Stephen Miller- Europeans are just fucking weird! All those royal families inbred until their offspring were either still born, or too retarded to feed themselves. You guys ever seen any pictures of the Rothchilds? They look like vampires went to Deliverance, and fucked their cattle.

VP JD Vance- Well, that stuff isn’t limited to European Royal families! The shit I hear from my wife makes me question reality! There’s a reason why India looks the way it does, and inbreeding is only a small part of it.

Tulsi Gabbard- Yeah, we all hated when a group of those street shitters would visit the islands, they’re disgusting. No offense.

VP JD Vance- No worries, I’m well aware.

Pete Hegseth- Alrighty folks, I got a country to bomb, catch you all on the flippity flip!

Tulsi Gabbard- later skater! I got a bunch of intel to read through, sounds like “our greatest ally” is everything but!

Pete Hegseth has left the chat.

VP JD Vance- Thanks everyone, I’ll be in touch when it’s time to nuke Iran. ;~)

VP JD Vance has left the chat.

Stephen Miller- Let’s allow them to nuke Israel first!

Stephen Miller has left the chat.

Mike Waltz- Is there anyway to trick China into doing it?

Ratcliffe, John L.- Shit! I wish! Talk about solving some problems! Someone should tell them the Sassoons are vacationing “somewhere in Israel”, maybe we’ll get lucky!

Steve W.- Oy vey, if you guys only knew the half of it! The ChiComs hate us to this day over that shit! Say what you want about us jews, but those Chinese fuckers know how to hold a goddamned grudge!

Anyway, duty calls. While you fags are starting a new war, I’m still busy trying to end the last one without it looking like Afghanistan all over again. I’m out!

Steve W. has left the chat.

Ratcliffe, John L. has left the chat.

Myriad Mike- hey Goldberg, did you get all of that?

Jeff Goldberg- Yeah, Holy Shit, I’ve got the scoop of the century!

Myriad Mike- Take it easy Schlomo, this isn’t Watergate, so don’t be a fag about it.

Jeff Goldberg- Hey, that’s an ugly Jewish stereotype, don’t you know my people have suffered for 5,000 years because of stuff like that?

Myriad Mike- Fuck off big nose, nobody cares, so make a pile of shoes, and cry over your matzo balls soup homo!

Myriad Mike has left the chat.

Jeff Goldberg- Fucking asshole!

Mike Waltz- Oh, fuck me…